A kindred spirit is a balm to your soul.

The thing about friendships is, people change. They grow apart, form dissimilar interests and opinions, yada yada yada.

So it is very heartening to discover that my kindred spirit is growing in a similar direction as I am. In the things that matter, we resonate.

Recently we pondered: “What would happen to our friendship should the other person not change in such a similar fashion?”

And then we realized that nah, it wouldn’t have mattered that much because we respect and celebrate the other’s choices. We wouldn’t dream of imposing our views on the other.

Perhaps we wouldn’t be as close as we are now. But the mutual affection, fondness and respect would have cemented our long-standing friendship. After all these years, SC, I’m so blessed to call you my kindred spirit :)

The day started out pretty blah.  Work was a-piling.  Schedules with a loved one seemed star-crossed at best.  And to top it all off, it was the Dumpling Festival and there was no Bak Chang (dumpling) in sight for me to sink my teeth into.

So I was one real glum girl.

To my delight, I realised that I wasn’t the only glum Bak Chang-deprived person in the world.  There were many, many more like me.  Quite a number of friends commiserated with my situation on Facebook.  Best of all, my kindred spirit Sharon was one of them and she was free for the night!  And so, we made plans to go Bak Chang hunting.

“Eh, where do we head to ar?” I asked.

Sharon replied, “Let’s go to SS2.  I’m sure they sell Bak Chang there.”

See, I never had to buy Bak Changs in my life before this because relatives and the neighbour back home will regularly supply for our needs.  So, this is what happens when a Bak Chang-loving kid moves out of home.  No more Bak Chang when Dumpling Day falls on a weekday.

Still, there’s always a first time for everything.  I had a car and a partner in Bak Chang hunting.  The hunt was on!

It was quite late in the night when we finally arrived at SS2.  I had to finish my pile of work first, remember?

We asked a restaurant owner where we might get Bak Changs and he suggested the hawker center near the field.  The hawker center did not look too promising.  It was dark and most of the front stalls were closed.

But as we came nearer to the middle of the building, there were a few stalls that were still opened.  And my heart leaped when I spotted some Bak Changs hanging enticingly at one stall.

My jaw dropped when the hanging Bak Changs led to this….

We felt like we were in a beautiful dream – the one thing we want had many, many clones!  So we made our choices and floated to our seats.  My bak chang tasted heavenly but Sharon’s was cold.  Meh.

Finally reunited with my bak chang!

Sharon and her non-peanut bak chang

Upon seeing us enthusiastically taking photos of the bak changs (we did act as if we never saw these heavenly morsels before … sheepish grin), the bak chang Uncle said that we can hold the strings of bak chang to pose with them.  And so we did.  And the Aunty gamely joined us in our antics.  Hee!  Sharon said they thought we were tourists!

The sporting bak chang Aunty

We were so happy that night.  This unexpected hunt had really made our week!

My work takes me everywhere across the country

I’ve never been the one who’s always on the lookout for new things to do or see.  I’m perfectly happy going back to old favourites – food, holiday destinations, lounge about at home, etc.  There’s safety and comfort in the old and familiar.

Once in a while, I do break out of habit and go do something new, exciting and hopefully, cheap.

But my job which gives me all that – for free – has robbed me of the inclination of doing those things myself and with friends.

Now, whenever I have free time and stressed beyond belief, I’d rather bury my nose in a book, sleep, lounge about in my house or do the safe and familiar.  I put my phone on silent mode and keep the world at bay.  I decline invitations to go out and schmooze.  Basically, I’ve turned into a bore.

But I don’t feel bored at all.  After a good read, eats and sleep, I feel rejuvenated.  A quiet moment in meditation and contemplation and prayer reminds me of who I am, my inner self and why I’m placed on this good earth.  I feel happier and recharged and ready to take on the world once again.

To the eyes of the world I may be a bore.  But this happy bore says the world can go hang.  If my phone needs recharging time, so does the owner.  So there :)

It is undeniable.  Men and women do act like they come from different planets.  John Gray’s classic ‘Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus’ is still evergreen and ever-relevant.

We don’t mean to hurt each other but even the best of intentions can come out sounding wrong.  A good example would be the guy going quiet for days on end, leaving the woman to wonder if she did something offensive to turn him away.

John Gray has a theory for this – the ‘Going into the Cave’ syndrome.  When guys have something stressful to deal with or a momentous decision weighing on their minds, they don’t talk about it like women do.  They just disappear into their ‘caves’ or indulge in no-brainer activities as their coping mechanism.  They can take hours, days, weeks or even months in the cave.   When they finally emerge, ready to continue the relationship as if nothing had happened, the women, left to fume alone and feeling that the men have put them on low priority during the long silence, would be in no mood to talk.

John Gray also goes on to share that women also have their ups and downs.  ”Women are like waves,” he writes.  They give and give until they have nothing left to give, and then they crash.  Nothing seems to go right and they seem to complain all the time.  That is, until their wave rises again and they become their buoyant and happy selves again.

The wave thing might have a grain of truth.  Something will trigger that downward pattern.  If the woman has unresolved issues from the past (most likely childhood), the waves will happen regularly and go deeper.

With all these complexities in communicating between the sexes, is it any wonder that couples tend to have disagreements and arguments frequently?  Perhaps not in the first six months or a year of basking in the bliss of a new relationship.  But generally, as a rule, fights are common.

I’ve seen the happiest couples disagree with one another.  What keeps them together is the respect they have for each other – to be fair, to not put each other down, to give each other the time and space to cool down, and to convey that it is safe for each other to express their feelings and to be committed to resolve the issues.

Relationships take work.  There are no short cuts.  Perhaps, like what John Gray advocates, if we learn how the other ‘aliens’ communicate, we can bridge that gender communication gap.   And rediscover happiness in our favourite Martian/Venusian.

What am I, chopped liver?

Facebook, or better known as FB, is a necessary evil. It has its benefits – it’s easier to keep in touch with acquaintances, friends and family flung at all corners of the world. And it’s a joy to reconnect with college mates and long-ago pen pals you haven’t heard from in yonks. It’s also a great way to get opinions and have random discourses of anything under the sun.

But I have a bone to pick about the convenience that FB brings. Especially when it comes to important news.

Sure, I’m thrilled when learning about an acquaintance or former classmate getting a boyfriend/married/pregnant/kid/new job/etc over FB.

Call me old fashion or what you will, but I will be most upset to find out news like this or any other important news on my loved ones’ FB pages. I’m not talking about receiving wedding/baby shower/dinner invites over FB message or other event invites, that’s just a modern way of inviting me to join that special moment in your life and I’m very happy to receive those. I’m talking about receiving updates via the FB news feed.

I’ll tell you why this grates me:

• I have over 600 friends on FB. Most of them update their statuses a few times each day. That amounts to over 1,000 news feeds per day. The chances of me missing out on an important update is very high as I don’t comb through my news feeds religiously every minute of every hour of every day.
• Reading an important update on someone’s FB status is equivalent receiving a breakup over SMS. It shows what little importance you place on our friendship/relationship. I don’t mind finding out what my only brother had for lunch or dinner over FB but if he announces that he’s getting married over FB and never bothered telling me first, I’ll be mega pissed. Especially when I’m the last to know and 25 other friends have congratulated him on his status comments. What am I, chopped liver?

To me, when I’m the last to know about the important stuff that’s going on in a close friend’s life, it’s a message that the friendship has degenerated to an acquaintanceship level. These things happen over a period of time when the friendship is not nurtured or both parties have drifted apart. If that’s the case, then, it’s fine. Life goes on.

But I cannot accept it if a loved one does something like this. A friend’s mother recently found out that she’ll have her first grandchild soon – over FB. Not even a call or an SMS to tell her the good news. She had to find out about something as momentous as this over her daughter’s FB page as she didn’t have an FB account.

I ask you this: If you were her, what would you feel?

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