An Unfinished Story
I lay on my bed. Blinked unseeingly at the ceiling. Hugged the bolster closer to me and chewed on my lip. I get like this whenever there’s some great big thought churning about my head.
It’s been a long while since my dad sat me down to talk about my future. And that would be the time right after I finished my SPM examinations.
“So, what do you want to do in life?” was the question.
So many things raced through my mind. I wasn’t sure about choosing just one thing to do. I wanted to do all of ‘em! Seeing that I was suddenly struck dumb, he asked me if I would like doing computing stuff. And if I should discover that I don’t like it, I can always do something else. Like accounting. It was a no-brainer choice, really. I’d give computing a go and by jove, I will LOVE it. Anything but accounting for me. It would make my heart weep to pore over financial statements and puzzling over numbers all day long.
As far as he’s concerned, my siblings and I have achieved what he and my mom wanted us to. All of us did all right in our studies, graduated and got stable jobs. My folks have done their part and did it well. And I am every grateful to them for providing so well and doing their best for me.
But I have a gnawing feeling in my gut that my Heavenly Father has something more in mind. That this is not all there is to the one life He has given me. The future is still one big blob of blur to me. I always thought that the older we get, the more certain we are of what lies ahead of us. But alas, that is not so. In fact, I was more certain and convicted of things when I was in college than at present.
Perhaps it’s the realisation that life has more shades of gray than black and white that influenced my present mindset. That I should always listen to both sides of the story first and try to see the bigger picture before making snap judgements and conclusions.
Perhaps also, it’s the disappointments that came one after another when things I was so certain about end up crumbling to pieces. It makes one think twice before being certain of anything.
If it were not for the hope that life is not yet done, and that the future is affected by how I respond to present setbacks, it would have been extremely difficult to let go and move on and not give up on myself. It would have been impossible to believe that yes, this, too shall pass.
As I lay on the bed, my heart was awashed in a great surge of joy and gratitute. I am but an unfinished story. This is not the end. There are many more chapters to go through. And with the Great Author by my side, I know it will be beautiful.
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I used to have that gnawing feeling….about where I’ll end up or who I’ll married to, etc… Now after marriage..no more. That’s not good, right? It’s like getting married is the end chapter of my life! Yeer…I don’t want fairy tale story leh…
Will be interesting to see where God takes you. But then again, it’ll be interesting to see where He takes us all! =)
Bezzie, perhaps contentment and adjusting to a new chapter of life has wiped away that gnawing feeling for a while. But it may yet return – remember what God has put into your heart to do? :D
Merv, I hope to be able to document significant milestones in this very interesting journey :)