I was reading on my bed at late last night, when I suddenly felt nauseaus. My body was shaking and for a moment I thought that it was a sign of extreme exhaustion. I sat up a little straighter. The movement did not stop. In fact, it seemed to come externally. I looked at my bed with wide eyes and it was moving. I quickly got on my feet and by jove, the floor was shaking, too.

I heard my brother rushing out of his room and knocking frantically on my door. It was then that I realised that the whole house was moving and we have to get out – fast.

I opened the door. Only a few words were exchanged, “Felt the earth move? Let’s get dad and mom out of here, too.” We grimly ran down the stairs.

Didn’t take much to convince my mom about it. I pointed to the unswitched-on fan hanging on the ceiling. It was shaking.

My dad was skeptical about the whole thing but followed all of us out of the house anyway. We stood for a moment gazing at our house and our neighbourhood. We saw one or two neighbours walking out as well. But generally, the surrounding houses were quiet – except for the barking dogs.

My brother and I still felt the earth moving under our feet, praying in our hearts for God’s protection. We also wondered how bad the earthquake is this time around.

The earth movement stopped after a short while and we slowly got back into the house.

This morning, I read in dismay that about 300 hundred people were killed in Indonesia last night. Life goes on as usual in Klang Valley but for the families affected by the tragedy, their world as they know it has changed forever :(

(a sort of continuation from Fare Thee Well)

When I got home that night, my eyes were red and puffy. My mom and bro commented that I looked tired but didn’t probe further. I wasn’t about to tell them that I had been crying.

I can just imagine my mom saying, “Hah? Why are you crying over a colleague? Aiya, it’s just a small matter only, don’t fret.”

Heh, I’d probably say the exact same thing if my brother comes back and having red eyes over the last day of a colleague.

In my room, I read a few books that would help me put what I felt into words. Well, there were no writings on ‘Comfort When A Colleague Leaves For Greener Pastures’ but there were good encouragement notes by Selwyn Hughes on the topic of ‘When A Friend Dies’ or something like that. Close enough, I should think ;)

As I poured out my feelings to the Lord, trying to understand the reason behind my sadness, I sensed that the root cause was that I was filled with fear and anxiety of the coming days now that Mike had left the company. No longer was he around to guide me, address issues that I might have overlooked nor bounce my ideas to. And I was fearful that with the onslaught of responsibilities that have come my way, I may not be able to cope with the demands.

Then, the Lord impressed upon my heart gently that He wants me to grow up on another level now and not to worry, for I can depend fully upon His wisdom and guidance. He will give me all that I need to carry out my responsibilities.

I felt like a load of bricks falling off my shoulders and later as I confided to my bro about my puffy eyes, he did not ridicule me but listened with patience and compassion. Isn’t he the greatest bro ever?

The next day, I felt wonderful and the stressed feeling I had experienced all week had all but disappeared.

I’m just so grateful for the peace of God that sustains me.

Phew! :)

Me and Mikey

About five minutes ago, Mike packed up his bags and was about to leave the office when I suddenly remembered that I need to take a photo with him before he leaves. It’s his last day today.

So we took a photo together and then with two other colleagues and although I was smiling in the photo, I was sad inside. I still am. As I kept the camera back into the case, the tears came.

I guess I’m bad when it comes to saying goodbye :(

A Sweet Ending – A Rose

I did not realise it but for quite a while, I have had the impression that the church favours the leadership of guys rather than women. So when Pr Dr Lee Choo thanked my church for appreciating their women congregation by hosting WoW, a voice inside me suddenly spoke up sinisterly, “Eh, they really appreciate us, meh?”

Whoa… now where did that come from? I disregarded the voice but it left quite a bitter after-taste somehow.

Then the second day of the conference came and we had a surprise at the end. Three male speakers were invited to answer any questions that we ladies wanted a guy’s perspective of. Wow, this was cool!

Pr Chris said that he’s ok whenever he preaches to a congregation of over 1,000 people but now, in the face of a mere 400 women, he was filled with fear and trembling. Gosh, are we women really that intimidating to men?

The three male speakers very bravely tackled the questions that were posed to them – most of them were difficult but dealt with very real issues in life especially in relationships between men and women. At the end of the day, the conclusion was, that we respect each other and don’t do things that either party is uncomfortable with. In other words, play fair and don’t manipulate.

As the conference drew to an end, Pr Chris suddenly made an announcement which went like this:

“We, the guys in the church, would like to appreciate the women in our midst. So, a group of us guys gathered together and stayed up till very late last night to wrap a rose for every one of you ladies. Some of the roses may look like they are dying and we apologise because as guys, we have no idea on how to keep them looking fresh! Also, please do not look too closely at the way they are wrapped because some of us are all thumbs when it comes to wrapping gifts. But we hope that you feel the deepest appreciation that we have for what you have done, who you are and what you mean to us.”

Oh my… I teared when he made that speech and felt the resentment that was revealed to me the day before about the church favouring guys, melting away. We ladies received the roses reverently and really, that was such a beaufiful ending to a most wonderful conference.

Now I not only know it in my mind, but I also feel it my heart that I am a woman of worth in God’s sight. Fully affirmed and appreciated – and yes, we do need regular doses of these! :)

Finally had the courage to wear my new ‘dud’ to work today. Need some color to perk up the gloomy day (a good sign that there’s probably rain ahead… yaaay!!)

…continuation from Part 1 Sorry this took some time, guys. Thanks for your patience!

And so, I found myself in front of the church on a hot Sunday afternoon. Still battling whether I should skip the Monday session or not because I had a host of errands to do.

And then, and then… I saw him standing there. This cute guy who almost always dishes out cheeky grins and remarks to whomever that crosses his path. Apparently, although guys were not allowed to attend the conference, we still need them to help around in ushering and carrying heavy stuff. He was handsomely dressed and handed me the door gift with a devastating smile and a dash of style- a lovely potpourri. I literally floated into the sanctuary. God is good – He wanted me to be suitably motivated to sit through the first day.

The speaker, Pr Dr Lee Choo was a dynamite lady – small in stature but she more than makes up for it with her bigger than life personality and heart for God and women. When she said that God’s original intention was for a woman to bring out the man out a man and to be a protector of his … (girls, write me if you want to know what this is), my jaw dropped. As she went on about a woman’s role in relation to her man, I realised boy, have I got quite a few concepts wrong. At the end of the day, God made men and women different – for a reason and due to our insecurities about why the opposite sex are not behaving like us, we tend to sabotage things.

My mind ran through a particular past relationship and I cringed when I realised in greater magnitude how I contributed to its demise. If I were to hear this then, it might not have changed me much because I would have been too hurt and grieved about the sad state of things to even listen. But now, having been out of it and healed considerably from the hurts, I see the areas where I was still sore and still need a lot of growth. I think it was just the right timing – God’s timing for the conference to kickstart some growth in my life.

Results

1. I Bought Books

For the last few months, I had absolutely no interest in reading books, especially the Christian help books. I didn’t realise it but this was an indication that I was stagnated in my growth as a person. So on Mon, after the conference, I felt like tackling some issues that were uncovered in the conference and bought a number of books. Boy, was my soul hungry for nourishment!

2. My Drain is Unclogged

What do women do when they are touched? They weep and weep we did. A lot. Towards the end of the first day’s session, Pr Dr Lee Choo said that it was time to be ministered to and suddenly, I felt the urge to weep and release the pent up emotions that was buried from long ago. And when I started tearing and crying, the women on the rest of my row also started weeping. It was contagious! After the crying session and being prayed for, I felt so lighthearted and it was as if some bricks fell off my shoulders.

Two things were revealed to me:

1. That I’ve been operating out of woundedness for a long time.
2. That my heart was still bruised from perceived rejections of the past

The first one was scary because when we operate out of a wounded spirit, we will “interpret all around us through a very myopic (read: tunnel vision) perspective. There is a great pain within us that has carved out inside a very great cave or chasm that is not easily filled. If a person was wounded through a setting like, say, being on a worship team, then all experiences in that setting will be proceed through a filter of the hurt caused through that setting.” (quoted from an Angelic.org article.

The second one was resolved that day through the healing flow of tears. How did I know it was resolved? Through result #3 :)

3. I Sat Through My Dad’s Lecture and Did Not Feel Irritated

My dad lectured me about some thing I didn’t do and for once, I did not feel the usual irritation that normally comes from such encounters. It’s like dad extending a barb and because my drain was clean and unclogged, there was nothing for it to hook to and tear a piece of my heart along with it. Man, isn’t this true freedom or what?

When I came home that day, my dad gave me a gift to help me remember to do that thing I didn’t and it was really sweet. My ability to respond to his lecture with a heart that was whole and free, freed him to respond from a full heart, too.

to be continued…

For the past few days, I’ve dreamed of the strangest things.

Me eating chocolates.

Me eating ice-cream – specifically, Walls Feast ice-cream.

I haven’t ate those for ages and the side-effect is having dreams about them. Heh. I knew that I had to get some ice-cream. It was such a hot day. So I got up from my groggy sleep this afternoon after sleeping my fever away. Donned on my shirt and jeans and was about to step out of the house when it rained. There goes my plan to stop by the nearest kedai runcit (grocery store) and get my stash of goodies.

Mom saw my woebegone face and offered me some Cadburry chocolates. I got back into the house and munched on some of those. Felt slightly better after ingesting the ‘happy food’ and having serotonins flooding into my brain.

Guess I won’t be dreaming of chocolates tonight. But am not so sure about the ice-cream bit. Have a feeling that I’ll have an icy cold dream tonight to compensate for the very, very warm weather we are experiencing in Klang Valley now.

This is the continuation to Part One of the New York, New York series.

The Arrival

It was so nice to meet my old buddy. I guess the effect must be stronger on her since I was the first person from back home she saw since she came to the States.

Culture Shock

The New Yorkers were unbelievably rude.

Beautiful Niagara

The magnificent Falls just took our breaths away.

Quaint Church

Lovely Edna

I must write to her!

Enchanting Travel Partner

A Different Perspective

With each travel, I gained a different perspective of life. Being so far away from home and the people and things that I know, just puts everything into their proper perspectives. Being away helps me realise what’s important and what’s not.